Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What happens when a bird fucks a pig up the ass to stimulate a faultering yet recovering economy?

Well it is a very good question and I'll tell you what the fuck happens, the bird will die from a fucken hypothetical pandemic, in the meantime the pig didn't realise that it just got fucked in the ass cause it was too worried about keeping it's job, even though unemployment wouldn't ever go close to breaching 10% everyone has the perception that it will be 100%
So what does all of this mean? 
Good question, here is the fucking answer to that as well.
We are currently a planet controlled entirely by bullshit over sensationalised media, oh but of course everyone already knows this, the thing is though, I just can't sit here and fucken complain about the media like a typical "my chemical romance" listener and have all of you go "oh yeah, true that man, like the media is so full of like shit, and cause like when I watch home and away and I like see an ad for like today tonight I was like yeah nah I'm goin to put a bit of paper over my mouth to stop getting a cold that is thousands of k's away like for sure" It is because there are plenty of fuckwits out there that BELIEVE the shit, and that where the problem lies, well not all of it, but probably 50/50 with the dumb ass  people that create the sensationalised abominations we are forced to digest. 
First up, the recession, ooohhhh yeah, fucken real hardcore, the media will have you believe that in the next 10 minutes you will lose your job, have no where to sleep, have nothing to eat, have no clothes, never be able to get another job, and pretty much have to kill yourself, (well that's if you can afford a knife) All this for what? Yes there have been job losses, but think about it like this, If you owned a business and the greatest excuse to fuck off dead shit fuck heads out of your business came along, would you take it? Of course you fucken would, if you wouldn't don't worry cause that means you probably will never be faced with that predicament, so don't stress. If I had a business where I had a few thousand people below me hiring mates to do shitkicker jobs getting much better than award wage, believe me, I would fuck them all off in 2 seconds flat, then after that give myself a fucken pay rise for being such a good boss, sad fact is we need the recession to trim the fat, make business more efficient, to bad commercial television didn't find the same incentive to fuck off the brain dead television show hosts who really seem to enjoy reporting anything just to breed paranoia, wouldn't that be a nice little bit of irony there?

But hang on, don't get too attached to this "recession" thing, cause we have swine flu to keep you strapped down to your bed inside your bubble so the outside world can't get to you. 
That's right, forget mad cow, forget bird flu, we have the new and improved pandemic that just hit the world a few weeks ago! Whats that I hear you ask, how can we have only just got this new pandemic when since the dawn of time people have been breeding, eating, sleeping next to and jacking off with a pig shit covered hand? Good question, well we need a story, an angle you might say, to distract the fucking moronic general public while we go off and do something stupid, so we heard some Mexican got a cold and died, but we couldn't just say "colds kill you" cause we have like a cure for that now, so we needed something with a bit of bite, something no one has heard since the start of current affairs programs, and that is how swine flue was born. 
But what are the benefits to swine flu, say over bird flu?
Oh there are plenty of benefits, what would you say if I told you right now that swine flu has no cure, transmits via me just looking at you, and you will be dead in 20 minutes?
WOW, fuck the recession, I need to worry about the flu way more now. Huh, look at that, I even forgot what the government has been on about for the past few months up to now, swine flu is really amazing!
That's right folks, it will make you forget about the "recession" or the fact that it is a natural cycle in the business world, and it will also make you think you are going to die, which is good for when you want to go out and get that new car you always deserved after taking an early retirement.
Fuck that, I'm not getting no cold after losing my job to go on TV to sit in a fucken hot seat just to win 5 grand