Monday, July 20, 2009

the buzzword and super oversensationalised word, that is, hoon

ooohhhhhhh, lookout behind you, there is a car that has been modified! and worse off, more than likely, an enthusiast that respects and enjoys their car is driving it! AAAGGGHHHHH, you will most certainly be in for a fate worse than death if you are ever unlucky enough to be in the presence of such a deviant reincarnation of Satan himself.
Such is the perception that the media, government, police and every other fucking twat would have us believe, after reading numerous reports about traffic incidents, there would be a little over 10% that I would say relate directly to the crowd I call "hoons" yet no more are people called people, offenders, no, everyone that is not a police officer, or a minister being driven around, or an uptight self riotous member of public is now, a HOON. Which means, at any given time from sitting in peak hour traffic, to obeying the speed limit, any modified car owner is now the most deadly threat to humanity, (drugs, murder and "actual" crime was so 2007) and because we pose such a threat to the very existence of our fellow countrymen, every stop must be pulled out to make sure we cannot enjoy our passion.
An example I would like to sight, (and it is very much an example)
I was driving the speed limit (actually 10 k's below cause my car chew's the juice at 110km/h) and a tradey van came up in the right lane, would have passed me at 150+km/h. Now, if per say he slowed it down, and there was a police car that sighted us both, one car doing 10 below the speed limit, and if the other car slowed it down to 120 or so, who do you think is the bigger threat? In my crazy opinion, I would think it would be the guy that is speeding, but in the perception of the police, public and media, hoons do not commute in tradey vans, they drive modified cars, and regardless of what you are doing, you are doing wrong. In saying that, I believe that I would be the one that gets pulled over, as my car is low and gives off the presumption that it is a hoon car, hence, it is as good as a loaded pistol to someones head.
A hoon is someone that would be breaking the law, not a fucking passionate car lover that obeys all of the street laws as they should, I used to believe that if you do no wrong, then you will be right, this is not the case anymore, no matter what the car loving population of Australia does, as long as there is a minute minority (that drives stock as a rock family commuters) we are all guilty. For what though, for loving my car, fuck that, I have poured my heart and soul into cars since I was 17, my dad and I built my first one, and I have constructively (wasted) countless dollars on them since, they are a part of my life, I express myself through how they look, and by implementing laws that prevent us from doing just that, well they may as well start telling us what to say.
The image that has been pinned on the car community is one of fear and constant wrongdoing, but why? from the actions of young kids in cars that most of the time aren't highly powered massively modified cars? how does that work, its like blaming a fucking dolphin when a shark eats someone off the shore, just cause they look similar from the chopper doesn't mean they are the same! Give anyone an underpowered economical car, and they will be able to do 160 on a 40km/h street, or wrap it around a pole, any amount of modifications (or lack of) can't stop someones over enthusiastic right foot. Education will help prevent this, but when the enforcers of these laws get the blinkers applied to their own head through ignorance, how the fuck would anyone be able to educate people, it is easier to drive home scare tactics and penalise people that don't deserve it, rather than tackle the real problem, real under the rug tactics. Well done Australian government and police force, your doing a great job, I don't feel any safer in the city, and now I shit myself driving my car, cause apparently I am the risk!
I salute you.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What happens when a bird fucks a pig up the ass to stimulate a faultering yet recovering economy?

Well it is a very good question and I'll tell you what the fuck happens, the bird will die from a fucken hypothetical pandemic, in the meantime the pig didn't realise that it just got fucked in the ass cause it was too worried about keeping it's job, even though unemployment wouldn't ever go close to breaching 10% everyone has the perception that it will be 100%
So what does all of this mean? 
Good question, here is the fucking answer to that as well.
We are currently a planet controlled entirely by bullshit over sensationalised media, oh but of course everyone already knows this, the thing is though, I just can't sit here and fucken complain about the media like a typical "my chemical romance" listener and have all of you go "oh yeah, true that man, like the media is so full of like shit, and cause like when I watch home and away and I like see an ad for like today tonight I was like yeah nah I'm goin to put a bit of paper over my mouth to stop getting a cold that is thousands of k's away like for sure" It is because there are plenty of fuckwits out there that BELIEVE the shit, and that where the problem lies, well not all of it, but probably 50/50 with the dumb ass  people that create the sensationalised abominations we are forced to digest. 
First up, the recession, ooohhhh yeah, fucken real hardcore, the media will have you believe that in the next 10 minutes you will lose your job, have no where to sleep, have nothing to eat, have no clothes, never be able to get another job, and pretty much have to kill yourself, (well that's if you can afford a knife) All this for what? Yes there have been job losses, but think about it like this, If you owned a business and the greatest excuse to fuck off dead shit fuck heads out of your business came along, would you take it? Of course you fucken would, if you wouldn't don't worry cause that means you probably will never be faced with that predicament, so don't stress. If I had a business where I had a few thousand people below me hiring mates to do shitkicker jobs getting much better than award wage, believe me, I would fuck them all off in 2 seconds flat, then after that give myself a fucken pay rise for being such a good boss, sad fact is we need the recession to trim the fat, make business more efficient, to bad commercial television didn't find the same incentive to fuck off the brain dead television show hosts who really seem to enjoy reporting anything just to breed paranoia, wouldn't that be a nice little bit of irony there?

But hang on, don't get too attached to this "recession" thing, cause we have swine flu to keep you strapped down to your bed inside your bubble so the outside world can't get to you. 
That's right, forget mad cow, forget bird flu, we have the new and improved pandemic that just hit the world a few weeks ago! Whats that I hear you ask, how can we have only just got this new pandemic when since the dawn of time people have been breeding, eating, sleeping next to and jacking off with a pig shit covered hand? Good question, well we need a story, an angle you might say, to distract the fucking moronic general public while we go off and do something stupid, so we heard some Mexican got a cold and died, but we couldn't just say "colds kill you" cause we have like a cure for that now, so we needed something with a bit of bite, something no one has heard since the start of current affairs programs, and that is how swine flue was born. 
But what are the benefits to swine flu, say over bird flu?
Oh there are plenty of benefits, what would you say if I told you right now that swine flu has no cure, transmits via me just looking at you, and you will be dead in 20 minutes?
WOW, fuck the recession, I need to worry about the flu way more now. Huh, look at that, I even forgot what the government has been on about for the past few months up to now, swine flu is really amazing!
That's right folks, it will make you forget about the "recession" or the fact that it is a natural cycle in the business world, and it will also make you think you are going to die, which is good for when you want to go out and get that new car you always deserved after taking an early retirement.
Fuck that, I'm not getting no cold after losing my job to go on TV to sit in a fucken hot seat just to win 5 grand

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

we're all connected via connections connected with connecting material

The other day I was on youtube, I searched for something, and I found it, fucken amazing. Does this mean that the poster and I can be freinds in real life because we now have a connection? Maybe I should add them on myfuckingfacespace so they can go in the collection of other people that will give me bragging rights come time for a rare real life social interaction.
Fuck that, why have 200 "friends?" I fucking doubt you would speak (actually talk, not internet) to a fucking 5th of them, so it makes no sence. Yes I do have an account, never use it, nonetheless I do have one, I thought it could be used to chat to old mates and get together for a few beers, and that once did eventuate, but, out of all of the people on my "friends" list I wouldn't speak to more that 20 fucking people in actual life, for the sole reason that I don't want to fucking talk to some stupid fucks from my school 10 years ago. 
Here's why you shouldn't either, (unless you enjoy this mundane shit, if you do, you need to be killed)
this is the average convo with long time no see acquaintances.
me: hey
them: hey
them: whats been goin on?
me: work, you know, bout you?
them: yeah me to! what do you do?
me: graphics
them: wow, you must love that, it sounds awesome
me: no, it's shit
them: oh well, it has been a long time though, too long
me: hmm
them: we should catch up for a beer soon
me: (why, so we can have this fucking steller conversation again) ok
them: cool, well take it easy, my numbers still the same, so give me a buzz when you wanna hang out.
me: yeah alright.
copypasta that to everyone of you facefag friends and you'll be the most popular cat around. 
besides that brain mincing entertainment, these "social" (what the fuck, seriously) sites offer us the chance to see what these people that we really like have been doin these days. Example, big noting, I FUCKING HATE CUNTS THAT BIG NOTE, here is how it rolls socially in the new world.
You have to have mad dog pictures of you travelling all over the world, show them to everyone, there is no such thing as privacy anymore, also, put pics up that will encourage a response, fish for compliments, like
"here I am in america, just before I go to canada"
try and aim for a response like this, bonus points if you haven't seen that person for more than 5 years.
"oh wow, you look great now, I hope you had heaps of fun on your trip, we should catch up soon"
Also, take pride in the fact that your friends will be envious of your awesome life documented and shown to everyone, cause with the profile pic partying in some awesome environment, the general consensus is that's how your life is all the time, nevermind that you probably posted those items from your desk at work. 

Monday, February 2, 2009


It has come to my attention that in life, fuck, sorry, the Internet (always getting those 2 mixed up) that people are taking things too serious. What I am about to do is very dangerous, delving deep into the Psyche of the Internet, and trying to explain it, albeit it, on the Internet, but more so I will be talking about sensationalisation and how to understand what may be real, and what may not be so real. 
To start, lets examine me, I exaggerate all the fucken time, like, "fucken hell it is about a million degrees outside, I'm goin to fucken down 10 billion beers when I get home."
Pretty easy this one, the first bit, clearly it means it is really fucken hot outside, probably around 40, but because of the lack of exposure to this temperature, it may as well be 1,000,000 deg C. 
Second part follows along the same train of thought, we have just been informed that it is hot outside, therefore a beer will be a just reward for enduring such conditions, 10 billion i hear you say though? Well, clearly if you drank 10 billion you would be dead, so the actual figure may be closer to 10, which will suffice for a weekday. Not to mention the fact that if I had 10 billion beers, I probably would own a fucken brewery, and be rich as fuck. 
Above is a very basic example, but with the basics there to be able to apply similar rules to what you  encounter in li.. Internet. But lets have a look at another. One that is actually used in real life, and no, that is not Internet, but your ACTUAL fucking lives.
TV, you hear all the time on the fucken thing that "this is the most important episode ever" or "if you only watch one thing this year watch this." I fucken doubt it, if I only watch one thing this year it sure as shit isn't going to be a fucken show about a cop that has a case, can't solve it for around 30-35 mins, then amazingly he figures the fucker out in 10. You need to realise though, that the audience for this mind blowing revelation of watching one thing a year, are currently watching the fucking TV and have already fucked their chance of seeing one thing. Doesn't only being able to watch one thing make you want to watch? Clinging on the back of that point are the comments that something is the "most important" thing "ever." Alright, so the  most important thing ever last week has been topped, this week, already! Fuck me, I am going to have a fucken coronary if there are too many more "most important" things happening around me, it's a sensory overload.
But all of sensationalisation does have a use, it is to win, or sell, or convince stupid fucking people that need their hand held taking a shit, of what to do, watch, wear, eat, buy, etc. etc... it is a massive part of the world we know turning into a slop of fucking retarded people all doing and being the same thing, mindless, opinion less fucking blobs of shit.

So there you go, the most important fucking thing you will ever need to fucking read.
(PS buy my clothes when they come out, they will shield you from the idiocy)

(PPS, what the fuck are Melbournians going to talk about now that the temperature doesn't resemble the core of the sun? For a week, that is all that I fucken heard anywhere, "fuck it is hot." NO FUCKING SHIT cock smokers, in case you haven't realised I am here to, and I am alive, in which case, I can sure as fuck feel it to, not to mention I'm sweating just standing still. Dicks.)

Monday, November 10, 2008

some people already know what this is about

on my way to get whipped and tortured by my usual punisher's the other day, I happened to notice a very interesting sign. oh by the way, to those that know what I am talking about (and you should) stop reading now, cause you already know what I am going to say. But for those that don't, I saw a sign for a psychic exhibition, it didn't bust my fucking balls, more so it amused me. Seriously, a physic fucking exhibition, what the fuck would that be about? First of all, why the fuck would you need a fucking sign? By all means try and get maximum exposure to an event that you are going to host, but when your fucking main demographic can tell what the fuck you are thinking, then c'mon, you don't need a fucking sign! Then again, maybe the people that aren't psychic enough will need the sign as they won't know to read the mind of the creator, therefore, won't know it's on? I don't fucking know, hence I am not a psychic.
The other stupid fucking thing about having a psychic adventure is, wouldn't everyone that went there already know what the fuck was going on? Like you head up to one of your comrades and before you ever say anything they have already mind fucked you with what they were going to tell you when you asked them that thing you were going to ask? So everyone would just be standing around around looking at the next dick cheese goin, umm yep, next, oh for sure, nah, oh yeah, yeah I'm already there (like litterally.)
In the same sense, I always thought it would be cool to be a psychic, you would never really need to make a decision about shit, nor need to know shit, as you already know everything! I'd like to be one now, fuck knows why, I couldn't rob a fucking bank being a psychic, nor could I just get what ever I want, which most of the time involves fucken money, but it would be cool, not quite as cool as being invisible, cause then you could do whatever, like walk into a bank and fucken take all of the money out and then just walk out, and people would be like WTF is goin on here turbo, but you don't need to answer shit, cause they can't see you, let alone understand you. That is why, and maybe just why they have psychic exibitions, just so we never find out...

BTW I'm fucking hammered, of course that isn't why they have them, it's cause they fucking morons

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Number plates, something that gives your vehicle and ID, they can let a whole system of people and businesses know a little about the car, and in the right kind of business, a little about the driver as well. Easily the biggest system of all is the human race, no one sees your number plate more than the general public themselves, which is why my brain turns to mush when I am left to ponder why you would make a public spectacle of yourself by getting the wankiest, shittiest number plates a person could ever think of.


For example, would you wear a t shirt with “(your name here)’s T shirt” or “my short sleeve polo” (actually come to think about it, number plates don’t require grammar, so “myshrtslvplo”) The answer for most people would be, NO. No you wouldn’t, it would be fucking stupid to do such a thing. We either know who you are therefore no need to tell us again, or we don’t, therefore we wouldn’t give a shit, the outcome similar to the one above. This brings me to my point of why would you label your car this way? I would almost have to say that it is worse if it is your car, if your car has number plates that are prefixed by “my” or “our” then seriously, you need help. Let’s try and comprehend what they could actually mean. You are driving your car right? Umm… it is the same car it was when you purchased it? It does have adequate badges reminding you what it is before you step into it? You do actually know what you purchased don’t you? Ok, you know who you are and hopefully you know what your car is, sorry to say this, but people that don’t know you, couldn’t give a fuck if your name is “rob” or “mac” and the general public would be aware by now what a commodore is. Shit, we have it rammed down our throat often enough by that fucking box in our houses. So, why the need to tell everyone all of that useless info? Anyway, as if the car that you have clearly labeled isn’t your fucking car, not that many cars get flogged every single day that society is now feeling the need to write our names on them!


Possibly worse, is the person who feels the need to just simply tell us what the car is. At least the last lot of clowns told us something that we didn’t know (albeit, we couldn’t give a fuck) these fuckin idiots are telling us something that we can clearly see for ourselves, so not to be outdone by the monotony of day to day life, you guys are adding to that by telling us a couple of times what model your car is, great, thanks heaps for that champ. I always have a hard time understanding the logic behind these plates, do you often forget what your car is? Do you need to be told 25 times a day what it is, or is it to show everyone that even though it is an extremely average car, that you have a knowledge of automobiles, and to prove it you choose to display said knowledge on the outside of your vehicle a few more times.  Then there are the ones that try and tell you stuff or be witty, fuck me, maybe to communicate with these people properly I need “rage-31” number plates, cause these are seriously fucking stupid. I see plenty of these moronic plates around everyday, namely I saw one the other day that was (abbreviated obviously) why are you second (you can work it out.) on a shitty fucking girls car. I can’t even explain the stupidity of these plate, so I’ll start by trying to answer this insanely profound question as to why I am actually second. It was peak hour on the carpark we like to call the monash freeway when I saw this abomination, me being second wasn’t really an issue, as everyone you could see was stopped, and I wouldn’t really see this drive home as a race, but, the question was, why was I second? First of all dickweed I wasn’t second as there was a few thousand cars on the freeway at that point in time, just as there is every afternoon. The reason I was behind you is because you didn’t let me merge you fucking clown, but the reason for not letting me merge would be purely to come first, wouldn’t it? But then wouldn’t you have to merge in front of every car ever. If in fact he did do that, then he shouldn’t be allowed to have those number plates. Surely he should be able to get a fine for that shit, maybe even jail time! Vic roads give you fines for too low, too loud, what about plain old too fucking stupid?


Those two are just the tip of the iceberg, there are a million more stupid plates out there, dumbass sexual reference ones, ones that someone in kindergarten could get laughed at for the complete disregard to anything remotely close to resembling English, ones referring to different modes of transport, fuck, just about all of the dumbest shit you can ever think of has been done. The sad thing is that a lot of people are proud that their car makes a spectacle day in day out, ah well, a lot of people do a lot of silly things, this being one, good on ya, if you like being perceived as a fucking idiot. Obviously you don’t though because you have your idiocy on display all day every day. Just like that tattoo of a dick on your left ass cheek, I believe you when you say you were pissed, promise!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Australian music awards, AHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right.

Oh, they’re fucking serious, surely they can’t fucking be serious?

Well, they are, and on Sunday night (although I know what they are) had the utter displeasure of viewing the fucking ARIA awards. As with a majority of music awards shows around the world, they reward fads, sales, popularity from their demographic of 12-15 year old females and pre poofter males and in general just lacklustre rubbish. So why watch, well I was fucking hung over, in a relatively good but tired mood, and I really felt like adding my own commentary to a shitty broadcast, (and also, when I stretched all the way, the remote was about 40mm too far away.)

Why would I want to endure such nutsack ripping, ass fuckingly poor programming? As I begin my evening viewing my mind is running all about, contemplating what sort of exploitations that I might witness and it is this thought process which makes me continue watching.

So what are we seeing, well typical bullshit, (I will recite as much as my drunken haze allows me to) I was informed that there would be a special guest on tonight’s show, ohhh, I wonder who this stellar AUSTRALIAN personality may be. WHAT THE FUCK?? PINK, why the fuck would I want to watch an Australian music awards show, only to be punished with a performance by a fucking American performer? Is that the most fucking insane scenario you can comprehend, do they get aussie guests on their shows? (They may, but fucked if I know,) and my best guess would be that they don’t, cause they don’t give a fucking flying fuck about aus performers. While I’m on the subject of Pink, the performance was fucking spastic, her singing sounded fucked and only the backup signers were in tune, and the stage set was lavish as fuck, one would be so inclined to think that this may have been to distract the 13 year old audience’s attention away from the fucking excrement that was being expelled from her mouth. Her image, what the fuck is that, are you supposed to be a bad girl, not like a sexy oh you’ve been a bad girl, but more like a don’t give a fuck oh no you didn’t bad girl, you know, with no regard for the “rules.” This comes off second rate when you have the sound on, because the music is only lyrical content away from hi fucking 5, it just looks and sounds really stupid, and to be honest, is almost an insult to the listener.

That was about the first ten minutes, so off to a good start of you like to take a fucking steaming heap of shit in your ear and your eyes gouged out then fucked in the hole.

Wait a minute, what is this? An artist that actually has talent, isn’t making music for the fucking sake (read money) of it and has an artistic style that is truly worthy of his own feature performance (yes, in place of this entire show) who is this you may ask? His name is Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu, a truly inspiring artist. A blind aboriginal, self taught himself the guitar, upside fucking down as well! Sings in his native tongue and composes some of the most haunting melodies you would ever hear. He is a very humble person who records his music because it is what he enjoys doing, he isn’t a fucking don’t talk to me style celebrity who “we” all so greatly admire. To this man I tip my hat, I admire him in the deepest most sincere meaning of the word. Being as amazing as I have just described he should have just taken a fucken haul home aye? You would have thought so, album of the year, he was beaten by the presets, fuck me, that is fucking insane, a bunch of gay dudes, taking pills in really dark rooms with heaps of other fluro wearing guys, ahh yeah, for sure!

He had decent competition for the male artist, pipped at the line from nick cave, another great artist, and I’m sure one that couldn’t give a fuck about the arias.

And he won independent release, not too bad, and I’m sure he would be stocked, but when you have a fucking moron like that cilmi bird winning every fucking award she was nominated for, surely something is clearly a miss there?

As for the music itself, it is obvious that we are never going to see recognition for Australian metal bands, in any way shape or form, but here is what I would have like to have seen at the arias and why.
Psycroptic have just finished a massive north American festival as well as having completed their new album, which will see a worldwide release, this Tassie band should have opened up the arias with 3 or 4 songs, and definitely had lacertine forest as the last song. I should have hosted the fucken thing, pissed. Then Deez Nuts, a Melbourne band/guy (jj peters) who has also just released a new full length, should have played a 4 song set. Chuck jack the stripper in the mix, Petrol Powered Goon Bag Holocaust, some mindsnare, Hiroshima will burn, fuck I’m dead, bob saget, and of course slabslider and that is what I call a fucking awards night, with music that is worthy of actually receiving awards. Get that up ya pink, this is what the fuck you should sound like if you’re such an angry bad girl and wanna get in a fight!