Australian music awards, AHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right.

Oh, they’re fucking serious, surely they can’t fucking be serious?

Well, they are, and on Sunday night (although I know what they are) had the utter displeasure of viewing the fucking ARIA awards. As with a majority of music awards shows around the world, they reward fads, sales, popularity from their demographic of 12-15 year old females and pre poofter males and in general just lacklustre rubbish. So why watch, well I was fucking hung over, in a relatively good but tired mood, and I really felt like adding my own commentary to a shitty broadcast, (and also, when I stretched all the way, the remote was about 40mm too far away.)

Why would I want to endure such nutsack ripping, ass fuckingly poor programming? As I begin my evening viewing my mind is running all about, contemplating what sort of exploitations that I might witness and it is this thought process which makes me continue watching.

So what are we seeing, well typical bullshit, (I will recite as much as my drunken haze allows me to) I was informed that there would be a special guest on tonight’s show, ohhh, I wonder who this stellar AUSTRALIAN personality may be. WHAT THE FUCK?? PINK, why the fuck would I want to watch an Australian music awards show, only to be punished with a performance by a fucking American performer? Is that the most fucking insane scenario you can comprehend, do they get aussie guests on their shows? (They may, but fucked if I know,) and my best guess would be that they don’t, cause they don’t give a fucking flying fuck about aus performers. While I’m on the subject of Pink, the performance was fucking spastic, her singing sounded fucked and only the backup signers were in tune, and the stage set was lavish as fuck, one would be so inclined to think that this may have been to distract the 13 year old audience’s attention away from the fucking excrement that was being expelled from her mouth. Her image, what the fuck is that, are you supposed to be a bad girl, not like a sexy oh you’ve been a bad girl, but more like a don’t give a fuck oh no you didn’t bad girl, you know, with no regard for the “rules.” This comes off second rate when you have the sound on, because the music is only lyrical content away from hi fucking 5, it just looks and sounds really stupid, and to be honest, is almost an insult to the listener.

That was about the first ten minutes, so off to a good start of you like to take a fucking steaming heap of shit in your ear and your eyes gouged out then fucked in the hole.

Wait a minute, what is this? An artist that actually has talent, isn’t making music for the fucking sake (read money) of it and has an artistic style that is truly worthy of his own feature performance (yes, in place of this entire show) who is this you may ask? His name is Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu, a truly inspiring artist. A blind aboriginal, self taught himself the guitar, upside fucking down as well! Sings in his native tongue and composes some of the most haunting melodies you would ever hear. He is a very humble person who records his music because it is what he enjoys doing, he isn’t a fucking don’t talk to me style celebrity who “we” all so greatly admire. To this man I tip my hat, I admire him in the deepest most sincere meaning of the word. Being as amazing as I have just described he should have just taken a fucken haul home aye? You would have thought so, album of the year, he was beaten by the presets, fuck me, that is fucking insane, a bunch of gay dudes, taking pills in really dark rooms with heaps of other fluro wearing guys, ahh yeah, for sure!

He had decent competition for the male artist, pipped at the line from nick cave, another great artist, and I’m sure one that couldn’t give a fuck about the arias.

And he won independent release, not too bad, and I’m sure he would be stocked, but when you have a fucking moron like that cilmi bird winning every fucking award she was nominated for, surely something is clearly a miss there?

As for the music itself, it is obvious that we are never going to see recognition for Australian metal bands, in any way shape or form, but here is what I would have like to have seen at the arias and why.
Psycroptic have just finished a massive north American festival as well as having completed their new album, which will see a worldwide release, this Tassie band should have opened up the arias with 3 or 4 songs, and definitely had lacertine forest as the last song. I should have hosted the fucken thing, pissed. Then Deez Nuts, a Melbourne band/guy (jj peters) who has also just released a new full length, should have played a 4 song set. Chuck jack the stripper in the mix, Petrol Powered Goon Bag Holocaust, some mindsnare, Hiroshima will burn, fuck I’m dead, bob saget, and of course slabslider and that is what I call a fucking awards night, with music that is worthy of actually receiving awards. Get that up ya pink, this is what the fuck you should sound like if you’re such an angry bad girl and wanna get in a fight!