Sex.. umm, sells?

Sex.. umm, sells?

 

OK, first off, this is more of an adventure rather than an analysis, but it is still an analytical bit about quite possible the fucken funniest thing I have ever seen.

Twas a nice day outside, the sun was out creating a quite pleasant ambient temperature of around 24 degrees, I was on my way home from work, and there was a lot of cold beer waiting to be drank upon my arrival home.

And that I did, running in the door, put ½ a slab into the refrigerator, and grabbed a pre chilled can for my consumption, chucked I tunes on random to create a suitable metallic noise for my ears, and proceeded to sit on my favourite spot outside, on an esky right next to the front door, lit myself a cigarette sat back and embraced this ultra relaxing situation that I had created.

My housemate had just returned home, lets call him CB, so he wondered inside grabbed a brew and chilled out the front as well. Usual conversation then proceeded to follow, what bands are doing what these days, whats coming out soon, how good the black dahlia murder are etc… when out of no where, I get asked, “hey man, you wanna come to a sex show tonight?” I’m like, “well alright, gimme bout 6 more beers and we’ll go have a squiz” and that was that.

So me, a little more than half cut got CB drove to the venue, now to understand the quality of such a place, let me set the scene for you, we live in SE Melbourne, around there, is a place called Dandenong, some of you will know Dandenong, some of you wont, pretty easy to describe, visualise even. Step one, go to you local tip. Step two, get a box, put it over your head, this is you house. Step 3, piss your fucken pants, these are your clothes, knock out your teeth, commit some crime and your pretty much living in dandy!

We arrive, the place looks like it just got rendered, hmm, I though to myself, this doesn’t look half as fucked as what I thought it would. The entrance was halfway up the building, I tried to have a ciggie in the time we left the car, to the entrance, we hear a voice, the most occa shazza voice comprehendible, “ahh, g’day boys, here for the show aye? Come right frew den, oh and sorry larv, no smokin in ere.”  I put out my dart halfway smoked, and entered.

“Go see that lovely blonde at the counter to pay darls,” was the next instruction, I guess by lovely she meant 95, and by blonde she meant white. So that we did, we payed, and took a seat, unbeknown to us that these were the seats for the actual fucking show, two barstools behind a couch. So I began to suss out the situation, there were about 25 blokes in this room, myself and CB being the most youthful, followed closely by a guy that looked to be a ripe old 40, then gradually older from that. In front of us on the couch we had a guy that looked like he just fucking ripped off his life support to be there, and even at the though of a fucking fat, he would need a defibrillator, this, along with our setting had me chuckling to myself already, even the fucken porn on the TV was making me laugh, jeeez, the chick in the movie had been getting pounded in the same posi, at the same rate for around half an hour now, we we’re in the heart of mediocrity now!

Around a minute before the start of our show, the “ladies” we’re introduced by “bazza” who calmly stated the two girls names and continued on his way out the back, and briskly out of the door came the stars of the show. The crowd was equal to that of a family at a funeral, the lights didn’t dim, and the shitty chart music they had playing was as loud and as annoying as ever. I took a few deep breathes to try and contain my laughter, bit my tongue and began to watch the show. WOW, a fucking mid 40’s police officer, and a smack head looking 30 something biker, the creative thinker behind this has clearly earned his leave. They then proceed to dance around this post retirement crowd, trying their hardest to be enthusiastic, but fuck, when your crowd is virtually dead, what can you do? Makes me wonder though, what the fuck would a 40 something yr old lady be doing de grading her self to this level, for clearly not a lot of financial retribution? Fuck, 90% of the fucken guys there look like they we’re lucky to get the money for fuel to get there! They continue to keep up the shenanigan of bad biker girl vs. cop girl, the cop had a whip for some fucked up reason, and in front of our 184 year old mate asked him if he’d like to be whipped, and then hit him on the fucking leg, holy shit woman, do you want a fucken homicide inside this joint, this fucker looks like he’s about to bust his nut off and have a fucken heart attack within 2 seconds of each other, and I’m not sure which one would be first.

This shit went on for a bit, they got their gear off as expected, and they weren’t much chop (no shit aye) one of em asked another old man if he wanted her to take her top off, a vague stare was all that was returned, she tried to ask him again, you know, like a second LOUDER answer, this time she got an “of course” back, in a monotone voice. As the show continued there was a voice emerging from the crowd, there was a middle aged man who looked like he was beginning to enjoy this shit, they took their tops off, and he’d let a loud oooohhhhh yyeeeeaaaahhhh ring out through the room, big mistake mate, well not for him maybe, but as all of this had been going on I constantly was trying to avoid eye contact, because of my constant smile from the hilarity of it all, if I looked at them smiling, they would be sure to come over and do something fucking annoying. Well that’s what old mate opposite us got, they walked over and started dancing around him, a split second after they got there though, he loudly exclaimed something else, but it wasn’t an enthusiastic shriek like before, this was a question, “ey, can you touch?” no was the reply, and the enthusiasm that had previously been a gimme from this bloke, was all but gone, only little oh yeah’s followed that, with him just glancing around the room, he had lost it all.

So this was getting boring, I need a fucking beer more than anything and almost being at the point of not being able to hold my laughing for even a second longer, I was contemplating walking out the door and just pissing myself to relieve myself. Adding to my anguish, the fucken occa chick at the door had decided to come sit with old mate 300 yr old in front of us, (I swear they must get a bonus if someone dies inside the place) she started talking, loud as all fuck, touching him in a flirty way, and then asked him if he liked pussy, what the fuck do you think woman, the bloke is old as a motherfucker, probs hasn’t seen a real snatch in 400 years and you ask him that. I don’t think gandolf could move at that point, weather it is from sheer bewilderment, or just no blood left in his legs? Occa lady continued to harass all of the couch sitters, (perks for getting there early I spose) meanwhile the lacklustre show of the century was still fucking going, the two ladies eventually realised that about 2 people we’re still paying any attention, had a little whisper in one anothers ear and called it a night, with a “fucken grouse show girls” from occa woman, and a brisk walk out the back by our cop and biker, it was all over. I looked at CB, said, out, “yep” quickly walked out the front, lit up a smoke, and pissed my fucking self for the 20 mins back home.

I recommend you blokes attend these shows, as something as piss poor and fucking dismal will never ever likely be seen anywhere else.