What the fuck have i ever done to deserve WORK?

Work, fuck me, well you have to do it, or fucken go there, but why would people want to endure such a fucking farce, so much so, that it is the greatest part of their adult life?

Yeah alright, everyone needs money and everyone needs that money to live, but my question is, why does it have to be such a cunt of a place to go to?

I will run you through the typical fucken bullshit of an average day at my fucking workplace.

Fuck it, I will in a minute, I need a smoke.

  

ahhh, thats better. Where was I, oh yeah, what a fucking normal work day consists of.

Well I wonder in at the normal time, go outside for a smoke and a coffee, get the usual greetings from co workers, "hey, how are ya" or "whats goin on" to that the normal reply is always "alright" or "not much." I then proceed to boot up my PC to see what kind of things I can get pinged for the previous day, like someone didn't tie their shoelace right, or there is no milk in the fridge, or just in general how much of a fucking idiot I am, and how I am in debt at least 30 blowies because I am still here.

I then proceed to attempt to do some work, oh shit whats this, a fucking interruption, you need something ASAP?? Oh yeah, I love that shit, fucking give it to me, tell me the fucking reason you need something quickly and if I don't do what you say right now, let me know how difficult your job will be, then go on to tell a superior how hard it is to work with me so I can get a "chat" to help rectify this problem. The answer is simple, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, thats why shit takes ages, thats why I'm fucking rude (by no means as rude as some of my colleagues) and thats why it is difficult! Below I have done a diagram that will sum up in stunning fashion, the above events, so you guys and gals can pretend for a second that you enjoy my work as much as I do.

This kinda thing happens continually during my work day, making it oh so enjoyable, as you can tell. I bet you wish you could trade places with me!

Being the multitalented amazing individual that I am, that is by no means near the extent of my daily duties, there are many aspects to my profession, below are a few examples of what makes my day so great.

I need to hold peoples hands because making decisions I think has been just ruled out for everyone bar me. I don't mean getting questions that are actually limited to a specialist profession, I mean any fucking thing, they range from, where is underscore? How do I print? What files do you need, EPS? That one is always followed up very shortly by, so is EPS OK? (Fuck, you answer your own fucking question, which is in turn answered again by me, then ring to reconfirm what I told you, which you already knew?) Next I'll be holding their fucking hand to take a fucking shit right! All of the above though, is so my dept has had a say in something, which in turn makes it a down right piece of piss when you need someone to blame.

Then there is the actual work, the best way I can describe it is to just copy the infinite remainders of Pi, then submit after 2-3 hrs, then do it all again to change one number, submit, then do it all again to put it back the way it was 6hrs ago, then get the person tell you the only wanted 1/4 written out anyway. That is it, day in day out, my brain slowly melting away to a mush of corporate tripe laden shit. So much so that I find, staring at the monitor with hands placed on the keyboard and just glaring through the glass, the biggest workout my mind gets all day. 

Oh, meetings, they fun, cause you get to look at the wall for a bit, not as interesting as the monitor, but it has a somewhat refreshing feel to it. You know, like if you we're on a tropical island with clear blue water, a palm tree in the middle, an esky full of fucking beer and porn actresses as far as the eye can see bringing you said beer and whatever else you may desire, all the while your kicking back on a banana lounge and for some reason you have a super power, which enables you to just think of something, and then that thought becomes reality? No, hmmm, maybe that’s just my place.

Then there are the corporate types, with their fucking cocksucking followers, but, this is an entirely different story all together...

For now I bid you all a due.